Today’s world is very different than the one that we all grew up in. Kids born today don’t remember what landline phones are. They’ve never had to experience the horrors of rewinding a movie, and most of them don’t even know what books look like. Alright, that last one might have gone a little bit too far, but you get my point. When I explain my childhood to my own kids, I might as well be reading them a fairytale about some fantasy world. Here are some of the things that my kids can’t believe about the “old days”.

1. Libraries were needed for the BOOKS.

We used to look up information in those papery things! It wasn’t just a quick Google search to get all the answers we never needed. Books were the keys to the world.

2. Just poop while we pooped.

We didn’t have the luxury of quietly reading on our smartphones. If we wanted to read, we could only do it by carrying a book with us, yelling to the world, “Yep! I’m going to poop now!”

3. Rewind movies.

I said it earlier, didn’t I? Kids have no idea how much of a pain in the ass this could be. Sometimes we’d skip watching a movie just because we didn’t want to rewind it.

4. Use rotary phones.

Can you imagine?! Having to spin a dial just to use the telephone. If someone had a nine in their phone number, I refused to talk to them.

5. Busy signals.

Oh, it was awful. You finally, after an hour or two, finished dialing in someone’s phone number, and there it was. If only texting had been a thing.

6. No Caller ID.

Every incoming phone call was an exciting mystery. Kids live in a boring world compared to what we had, right?

7. Roll down car windows.

This could take daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays. Cranking down that window was impossible. Sometimes it would stick! You might as well just swelter.

8. Develop film.

The closest thing we had to the ‘insta’ in Instagram was a polaroid. And forget filters! We just avoided selfies altogether, not in the least because there was no ‘front facing camera’.

9. Use cash ALL the time

That’s right, we didn’t have crazy phone apps for paying. We used actual paper. Like cavemen.

10. Watch cartoons only on Saturday.

It was the only day of the week that we could! And if we wanted to some other time, we’d rent a movie from a video store. Kids have no clue what I’m talking about right now.

In a way, I’m actually happy that my children don’t have to do the things I had to do when I was little. Modern technologies have certainly made life a lot easier than it used to be, but that doesn’t mean we can’t tell them how we had no internet once upon a time! We had no mobile phones, no online shopping, no food ordering apps, no? well you get the point. But, that was our different kind of life!

There’s a lot of books and a whole lot of talk about being pregnant. You hear a lot about conception, and you here SO MUCH about what to expect when you’ve given birth, but there’s a part of having a baby that you usually don’t hear too much about. That’s being nine months pregnant. Everyone skips over that to birth and having a baby around the house, but even though it doesn’t last very long, the, ‘I’m nine months pregnant’ stage feels like it last YEARS, and there’s plenty that you should be expecting.

1. At Nine Months Pregnant, Literally Everything Makes You Uncomfortable

That includes eating, drinking, sleeping, and existing in your own skin. At this point, you’ll be begging to get that baby out of you, even if it has to pop from your stomach alien-style.

2. You Are Also More Horny Than You Have Ever Been In Your Life

Which sucks, because you look about as attractive as a water birth. That said, you know you’ve got a keeper of a man if he manages to get you off and make you feel sexy at this point.

3. Baby Dropping, Braxton Hicks Contractions, And Losing Your Mucus Plugs Are All Signs Of Labour

All good things to know, right? And hey, only some of them sound absolutely horrifying and disgusting, so that’s a plus!

4. You’ll Be Afraid Of Pooping On The Delivery Table

And *spoiler alert* it will happen, so just get over that fear and get that baby out.

5. What The Hell Is Cord Banking?

It’s a process where blood from your baby’s umbilical cord is stored, in case your family needs it for emergency procedures in the future. It’s nifty, but it sure is expensive. That one’s up to you.

6. You’ll Be Planning Your Perfect Birth

And that plan will get totally scrapped by the time the baby comes out. Yeah, get used to that.

7. You’ll Be Remembering Everything Else You Need To Get Done

And it’ll be a long list that you leave unfinished. Don’t worry! It’s time to go and meet your baby.

8. Everyone Else In The Whole World Is Going To Be Bugging You

Get ready for plenty of phone calls, all of them from relatives and friends asking you if you’re going into labour yet. Maybe just record a new message on your voicemail. ‘I’m not picking up right now, but it’s probably not because I’m going into labour. Please stop asking.’

9. You’ll Want To Pack Your Bags

And you should! By all means, be ready. This is an exciting time, and you’re nearly at the end of this whole pregnancy business. Take a deep breath and remember to enjoy yourself.

Remember the Sunday mornings when you?d roll out of bed no earlier than 10am, cook up a delicious breakfast and just do whatever you fancied for the rest of the day? Ah yes, you are remembering now aren?t you? There were no screaming children demanding the cartoons be put on or waking you up to point out they have yet again ?had an accident? in their beds.

Kids are wonderful of course, they bring more love and joy to your life than you could have previously imagined but they sure as heck don?t make day to day life easy. Never fear, you are not alone. In fact, I bet every Mum can relate to these 6 impossible tasks having a kiddo around:

1.???? Actually Eating With Two Hands

Trying to juggle a baby whilst simultaneously enjoying a meal is a feat no one can achieve, no one, not even Beyonc?. You both likely come away from dinners looking like you?ve partaken in a food fight, not civilised meals.

2.???? Leaving Your House On Time

Before the little one arrived, all you had to do was prepare yourself for going out (and that could sometimes take an age!). Nowadays you have to create a game plan every time you leave the house, foreseeing all the possible poop disasters one can dream up.

3.???? Being Hygienic

I bet showering every single day is just a distant memory now. Sure, it’s a little gross to basically regard a good wash as a quick go over with a baby wipe but you know as soon as you shower you?ll be covered in vomit, pee and goodness knows what else.

4.???? Keeping Anything Clean

Even if you set aside some time to give the house a good spring clean, you can be sure within minutes of starting the baby will need nursing. You can also guarantee that as soon as you tidy up the living room, your darling baby will proceed to destroy it with all his might.

5.???? Calling Anyone

Friends and family can get rather annoyed that you aren?t calling every night to catch up about the day’s antics but let’s face it, with what little time you do get to yourself, you don?t want to spend it hearing what Lisa did at the office!

6.???? Watching A Whole TV Show Or Enjoying A Book

Before the little terror was around, it’s probably safe to say you loved to immerse yourself in a good book or get lost in a great TV show. Sure enough, you?d be lucky to get 10 pages in or finish a single episode now without getting torn away to ensure your baby hasn?t fallen down the toilet!

These simple achievements may seem like a lifetime away now but it will be worth it when the kids are all grown up and ignoring you? At least think of all the time you?ll have to yourself!

There are some things that you just can?t change. Things will fall down, seasons will change, super hero movies will keep being released. The world operates in a series of natural laws, and everything in life has its own set of laws. Like kids. Worse, like sick kids. There are some things that, once your little one gets sick, you can be sure are going to happen, no matter what you do or when you do it.

1.???? Everyone Will Now Get Sick

Your whole household is basically a ticking time bomb of disease and germs. Every member of your family will get sick at some point, and you?ll probably get hit the worst, but you?ll still have to take care of everyone else.

2.???? You?ll Get Sick Last

This is also a fact. Just when you think that you?ve somehow, miraculously managed you avoid all of it, you?ll get smacked down with the sickness.

3.???? All Of This Gross Germ Business Will Happen At The Worst Time Possible

You have a work meeting tomorrow. It’s parent-teacher night. Your little one has the lead in the Christmas play. Your parents are in town. AND you?re hosting a dinner party. Now is a great time to get sick, right?

4.???? You Won?t Make The Right Decision

The question is: Send her to school or keep her home? Either way, you lose. If it’s school, she?ll puke there. And if it’s home, you can be guaranteed that your beautiful child will recover from the horrible sickness by 10am!

5.???? Medicine Will Be A Fight

Getting medicine is hard enough. But getting medicine into your kid’s mouth and body is nearly impossible. Many children hate taking medicine. There will be screaming. There will be tears, hysteric tears. There will be hair pulling and all sorts of running around. And then there will be whatever it is your kid is doing to avoid taking medicine.

6.???? Going To The Doctor Is Pointless

It will take forever. Both you and your child will be miserable the whole time that you?re waiting. And the doctor will do very little to actually help you. Most of the time you?ll be told to give your child Calpol and rest. You could figure that out on your own. Don?t waste your time. (seriously though ignore this one. If you need to go to the doc, then go to the doc, leave nothing to chance!)

7.???? You Will Waste Your Time, You Will Go To The Doctor

No matter how many times people tell you not to. Because you?re a parent and you?ll worry way too much and you?ll think that professionals are exactly what your kid needs. But, hey, that’s what parents are for, right? And then, when it happens all over again, you can be sure that all these same laws will still apply.