It is every Father’s dream. My first bank holiday weekend alone with my two kids Amy and Stephen (4 and 5 respectively). Their mother was away visiting the folks (hahaha, the poor soul) and I was free to have a fun time with my two favourite little angels (the girl at least). I was so excited that I decided to document the entire bank holiday weekend in a diary. This was going to be fun.

Day 1: Friday
It is Friday late afternoon and my wife has just left for her weekend away with the folks. I have been really looking forward to this. I’ve planned many shenanigans, fun games, fancy food (by kids standards) and maybe even a scary movie if they are good 😉 . All bets are off now that mother goose is out of the pen. Let us begin!

Later:
The incessant crying of both kids for their mother has finally seemed to subside, as they resign themselves to the fact that the larger, taller, hairier child has somehow been put in charge. I personally think Stephen, my 5 year old, is annoyed that me, and not him, was given the spot of supreme leader. Maybe if you’d stop wetting the
bed a little earlier you’d have stood a better chance Stephen. I’m pretty tired from all the crying and consoling of the kids, so after I put them to bed I may get an early night myself, and then tomorrow the fun shall proceed!

Day 2: Saturday
The children grow stronger and more self aware by the hour. The scared children of yesterday have adapted quickly to the new regime, perhaps too well. First it’s breakfast time and then an entire day of amusing adventures.

Later:
The tables appear to have turned. The kid’s did not want to partake in my designated activities and instead went rogue. This necessitated a much hated bath time, which couldn’t have been more difficult had it not being two kids, but a pack of ravenous labradors.

Later again
Here I am in the evening, my plan to watch a scary movie has been replaced with a many hour marathon of those damned two dimensional cartoon pigs. (It’s 2020, get some CGI for the love of God.) The little girl, my 4 year old Amy, is now the one to watch. I don’t know how, but through some sort of child/female voodoo she has managed to organise the entire scenario to her personal taste. She may not be able to string together a completely coherent sentence, or tie her shoes, but she has an innate ability to manipulate her surroundings to suit her whims.

Day 3: Sunday
This is supposed to be Day 3 but the children rudely refuse to stick with my preplanned writing schedule, so it will have to go in here instead.

After a surprisingly tiring day, I put the kids to bed and continued to watch Pepper the Pig (It kinda grows on you after a while. It’s a soothing repetitive story that reminds me of late night TV shopping.)

After a while I decided to switch to an activity a little more…grown up. With the kids safely asleep I began my favorite late night ritual, with no kids or wife to judge me. Or so I thought.

I was mid…activity…at the peak of pleasure when Stephen walked in and caught me..devouring an entire bag of gummy bears. The big ones. Stephen looked horrified, and quite frankly betrayed. For years I had been telling him how sweets were a special treat, once a week, and even then only a small handful.

5 years down the drain. But damn it, I’m a grown ass man. I can eat a whole bag of gummy bears if I want, you’re not my real dad!

Later:
The house is a mess, the kids are hyper, and my brain is fried. I had always wanted to be one of those fun dads who has a cool video on facebook of all the crazy things I did with my kids while the Mom was away, but I’m just too tired. Yeah sure, lots of things have happened, but none in a way that could be planned, choreographed and filmed, at least not in a way to form a good succinct facebook video. Luckily the real supreme ruler will be back tomorrow to relieve me of my duties and I may return to the role of lovable Jester.

Day 4: Monday
Their mother is here. I’m going back to bed now. Next time I get to take the weekend off. 😁

*just for fun!!

I’m not one to toot my horn, but I am a fantastic parent. Really top notch. From discipline, to play time, to homework, and chores I have it down to a T. With my level of incredible success of course comes with it the inevitable questions. How do you do it? How do you manage to master the world of parenthood and the little hellraisers
that inhabit it?

Well sit down little ones, and I will let you in on 5 tips that made me an expert parent…..

1. I LET THEM MAKE THEIR OWN MISTAKES
The amount of time I, and presumably most of you, spend trying to keep children away from danger is astounding. Somehow kids seem to turn everyday items like a pen into a nose swab, a plastic bag into a vacuum chamber, and a bookcase into a structurally inept leaning tower of pisa. It is truly exhausting. But, in the immortal words of Jim Carrey’s the Riddler “NO! Don’t kill him. If you kill him, he won’t learn nothin.” (You may have to replace the word “kill” with “save” for this to make sense.)

Everytime you save your child you are denying them an important lesson. I realised that I will not always be there to save them. So…just let it happen. It’s the only way they’ll learn. Trust me, nothing says “Don’t stick your fingers in the electrical socket” like an electrical socket giving your kid an afro that a 70’s disco would be proud of.

2. I READ ABOUT PARENTING…ONLINE
Don’t waste your time “learning by doing”. There is no better way to gain knowledge than reading helpful tips online. You want to stay away from books (Who has the time to delve into a 1,000 page novel when you have little tykes running around?

Anyways, kids can’t be that complicated) and instead read through sites like wikihow, buzzfeed, and even reddit to attain their terrific, unrestricted, opinions on parenting. So put your kids to bed, or put them in front of the TV, surf the web and know that if you cram enough theory into your brain you will have the complete knowledge necessary to deal with any parenting situation.

For every single scenario there is a life hack, theory or formula to tell you what to do. And if there isn’t? Well then you just haven’t read enough.

3. I LET THE CHILD LEAD THE WAY
Why would you tell a child when to go to bed? They know when they’re tired. Ever try to get them to eat vegetables? Why not let them decide, they know what they like.

Who are we to say what they should and should not eat, or should and should not do.

Sure they might eat an entire bag of gummy bears and stay up all night barfing, but if that’s the way they want to live their lives, then let them.

4. I ALWAYS STAND UP FOR MYSELF
Kids can say mean and horrible things. “You’re mean, I hate you, you’re a terrible parent”. It is important to not let them away with this kind of transgression. The best thing to do is to respond in kind.

Argue with them, share witty comebacks, and know that the longer it goes the better. They will eventually fall asleep quicker than you
and then you can bask in your glory of your victory.

Kids, you see, are very fickle creatures. They may say they hate you and other very mean things, but it’s all only in the moment. Throw them a lollipop the next day and all is forgiven. An adult, on the other hand, can keep a grudge. Use this to your advantage and keep the child in line.

5. I REALISED…THEY ARE JUST KIDS
They may look like tiny fully fledged humans, but they have neither the intelligence nor dexterity of a fully sized adult, or a similarly sized dwarf. They are easily swayed.

Once you treat them as the subhuman inferiors they really are, things tend to fall right into place.

That boys and girls is how I became an expert parent. I mean, sure, we won’t know the actual results of my theories until they have grown, assuming of course they survive that long.

It could backfire…I suppose…but I can’t change now, I’m in too
deep.

Perhaps the best bit of advice I can give is to spend some time with your children, listen to them, talk to other parents with a proven track record, and above all else stop reading parenting listicles on the internet. They’re almost never any good!! 😁

*just for fun!!